Title: Skins (The Bodies Under Siege Remix) [Remus/Sirius]
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating/Warnings: R for slash and self-mutilation.
Summary: Sirius doesn’t believe in apologies, but it’s going to take
something
huge to make up for the Shack incident. Meanwhile, with his big secret
revealed, Remus is creating new ones.
A/N: Done for the 2004 Remix Redux, original story Skins
by Casira.
Sirius had never apologized to anybody in his whole
life. He suspected that he was actually incapable of doing it, whether
it was because he was almost always right or because he was a Black, he
wasn't sure. Sometimes he regretted things that happened, like the time
he'd broken Peter's arm by twisting just a bit too hard or the time
he'd rebounded a Bludger poorly and Evans got a black eye the day
before the Yule Ball, but the actual words 'I'm sorry' would pass
through the lips of Sirius Orion Black right after Voldemort got down
on one knee in the Great Hall and professed his secret love for
Dumbledore.
Of course it didn't matter, Sirius reflected,
because if there was ever a time for an apology, this was most
certainly not it. He'd known that on his own, even before the first
thing Remus had said when Sirius'd shown up at the Infirmary was "If
you've come over here to apologize, I'm going to rip your throat out."
Although, upon reflection, "Snivellus only would've
got what he deserved!" might not have been the best response.
In place of apologies, Sirius focused on reparation,
although sometimes the ratio of damage to penance was comprehensible
only to him. Everyone knew why Sirius was writing extra essays while
Peter’s arm was in a sling, but there were only two people who knew why
Lily's crush had dropped his date at the last second and taken Lily to
the Ball, three if you counted Sirius' fist.
Sirius' fists weren't buying him out of this
disaster, not that Sirius hadn't tried. With James pretending he didn't
exist, Peter forbidden to talk to him, and Remus refusing to leave the
Infirmary, Sirius beat the hell out of quite a few people, starting
with Severus and working his way down to the Hufflepuff who looked at
him funny in the corridor.
Already walking the fine line of expulsion, Sirius
was forced to give up this initial strategy, satisfying as it was. He
sank into deep meditation over exactly what form his atonement could
take other than violence, but he was still undecided by the third day
of Remus self-imposed exile.
"I mean, what's the price for near death? Less than
for actual death, right?"
"I've told you over and over that I'm not speaking
to you!" James shouted from his desk.
"And should I take into account that Remus doesn't
even like him? Or, once you pass minor injury level, does that stop
mattering? Is it more important if I hate him, because I set the event
in motion, or if Remus does, because he's the one who did the
near-killing?"
"If you don't shut up," James said, "there's going
to be a NOT near-killing RIGHT HERE!"
"I'll never figure out what this is worth," Sirius
sighed, flopping down onto his back and staring up at the canopy of his
bed. "There's too many factors."
"FACTORS!" James roared, leaping to his feet and
sending his chair clattering to the floor. "You want FACTORS?! I'll
give you FACTORS! Factor one: you are a FUCKWIT!"
"True," Sirius said without moving or looking at
James, "but not helpful."
"Factor two: you told the person we hate most at
Hogwarts the one secret you swore a sacred oath never to tell anyone
ever no matter what!"
"Good job with the broken-pact boils, by the way,"
Sirius shifted a little. "Very painful. Brilliant work."
"Factor three: you sent Snape to the Shack knowing
full well that there was no way Remus could control the wolf, that he
would probably be killed! Factor four: if we would have got caught as
Animagi, we not only would have been expelled, we might actually do
time in Azkaban! Azkaban, Sirius! Factor Six…"
"You're on five," Sirius said.
"Factor Shut The Hell Up," James snapped in reply,
"if you'd gotten your way, Remus would be a murderer right now! And it
wouldn't matter to him that it wasn't his fault or that he couldn't
have stopped it, you know Remus, he'd take it all on himself and wake
up every day for the rest of his life calling himself a killer!"
Sirius didn't say anything.
"I mean, fucking hell,
Sirius!" James said, anger thinning so that glimpses of hurt and
confusion showed through. "If you wanted Snape dead, why didn't you
just do it yourself instead of dragging Remus into it? How could you
use him like that? Like he's a dog you can just sic on people?"
"It just happened," Sirius said.
"Just happened?!
I'll tell you what just happened," James went back to yelling,
scrunching his eyes shut in fury, "I nearly got EATEN, that's what just
happened! I got BETRAYED by my BEST FRIEND and then almost KILLED by my
other BEST FRIEND! There's all your fucking FACTORS, Sirius, so you
tell me what you think that's all worth! My life and Snape's and
Remus', what's that all WORTH to you?!"
"It's worth me spending next moon alone," Remus said
from the doorway.
Sirius turned his head to the side and looked Remus
over. He was paler and more exhausted than he'd been after any moon in
a year, and Sirius could see his hands shaking from across the room.
The faded lines of three parallel scratches ran down over his left
cheek and down his neck, disappearing into his robes. The sight made
Sirius want to get up and smash something into tiny pieces, but he felt
too heavy to even turn his head away.
"It's worth me maybe spending every moon alone,"
Remus said.
"No," James said.
"Don't, James." Remus closed his eyes and leaned
against the doorframe. "I never should've let you do this. We should
end it before…it's over."
"NO," James said, louder, and Remus' eyes opened
again. "You aren't going to tear yourself up in that shack every moon
because of Fuckwit Black! I won't let you!"
"Better me than you." Remus was answering James, but
staring at Sirius. "And you can't stop me."
James didn't answer, but he clenched his teeth so
tightly that the tendons in his neck bulged. Remus went to his bed
without saying anything else and climbed in, yanking the hangings shut
behind him.
Remus said nothing directly to Sirius for days, but
Sirius developed the idea that he could atone for his mistake with good
behavior, or at least good behavior with Remus actually present.
The experiment was beginning to wear thin by the
next week, when Remus was still not speaking to Sirius, and Snape had
figured out that Sirius was attempting self-control. Potions, their
shared class and the class that Snape was most overbearing in anyhow,
was by far the worst.
Sirius said nothing when Snape nitpicked every step
of Sirius’ potion preparation. Sirius gripped his quill tighter when
Peter’s cauldron geysered, covering him in white froth, and Snape asked
if it reminded Sirius of anything he’d done lately. Sirius gritted his
teeth when Snape asked him casually if James always topped or if he let
Sirius have a go once in a while.
But when Snape started humming “Werewolves of
London” as Remus was going past him out the door, Sirius snapped. He
was on Snape before anyone else could move, slamming him against the
wall by the collar with one hand while the other fist was coming
forward in a blur to split his lip, but Snape’s smirk didn’t disappear
even under the blood. Driven beyond any ability to reason, Sirius drew
back his fist again.
Someone caught his arm with enough strength to halt
it entirely, and Sirius whipped his head around to see Remus gripping
his wrist.
“Stop,” Remus said, and the relief of hearing his
voice, no matter how angry, peeled away some of Sirius’ rage. “Stop,
you’ve already…just stop.”
Sirius reluctantly let go of Snape, and Remus drew
his wand and cast an off-hand Praeclude
that resealed Snape’s lip and dissipated the swelling with a speed that
made Sirius wonder when Remus had gotten so good at healing charms.
It didn’t take long for Remus to find out that
Sirius had waited only until he was out earshot before laying into
Snape all over again, and the silence continued. James’ mood with
Sirius didn’t improve either as Remus refused to change his mind about
the next moon.
On the up side, James was still so angry by the time
the next full moon rolled around, that there was no way he could
possibly get angrier when he found out that Sirius had nicked his
Invisibility Cloak and was going to the Shack despite Remus' express
wish to be alone.
Sirius changed to Padfoot as soon as he cleared the
castle, wanting human scent to be nowhere near the Shack or the tunnel
for when Moony changed. It was a bit of a struggle to maneuver a stick
to the Willow's knot with Padfoot's mouth, but Sirius managed and
slipped into the opening. He marked the tunnel with Padfoot's scent
every few yards, just in case any smells from last month still lingered
in the dirt.
Padfoot crouched just inside the tunnel's outlet to
the Shack to wait for Remus to start changing, shivering with the need
to act because sitting still meant he had to hear himself thinking.
Forcing Padfoot to keep still, Sirius paced mentally, treading over a
set of thoughts that had become very familiar this month.
Hate Snape, s'all
his fault, skulking about and calling Remus names, hexing us when we've
got our backs turned, wish I could rip his smirking lips off, should've
done it myself, 'cept then he'd be dead and I'd be in Azkaban, but I
would've kept Remus' secret then, can't believe I'm doing this, Remus
is going to kill me tomorrow, probably not speak to me for days and
days again and that's the worst thing ever, except for him doing this
alone and coming back hurt and sick, I can't stand that, it makes me
want to kill something, wouldn't do this for anybody but Remus, not
even James…
Padfoot froze, ears flat against his head, as he
realized the implications of that last thought. It wasn't the first one
like it he'd had recently, in fact he'd been feeling strange things
around Remus since long before the Snape incident. All term he'd been
catching himself watching Remus just a little too long, sitting just a
little too close, finding flimsy excuses to wrestle with him. When the
dreams started up, Sirius found various girls to do indecent things to,
and at the height of his desperation even sought out a Ravenclaw boy
who he’d heard people whispering about, but none of it proved anything
except that Dream Remus had more of an effect on Sirius than anybody in
waking life ever had.
Sirius pushed the thoughts away hurriedly, not ready to deal with any
of this or what it meant or what he was going to do if Remus really did
hate him forever. Sirius forced himself to focus on something simple.
Hate Snape hate
Snape hate Snape…
Padfoot waited until he heard the gasps for air that
meant Remus was too far into the transformation to order Sirius back
out. He crept out of the tunnel just in time to see a swath of fur
erupt through Remus' skin and pour down his back, Remus' spine arching
as he lay doubled over on the floor. Eerie creaks and pops echoed off
the bare walls of the Shack as Remus' skeleton broke itself and
reformed, and a sickening crack marked the moment when his knees bent
themselves backwards.
When it was over, Moony lay on his side panting for
a moment before struggling to his feet. He stuck his snout in the air
and snuffled the air, then began growling. Padfoot stayed where he was,
belly on the floor, ears pressed against his head, and whined softly.
Moony charged, shouldering Padfoot roughly and
sending him skidding across the floor several feet. Growling louder,
the wolf head-butted Padfoot and slapped at him with huge paws, pushing
him around. Padfoot made no move to fight back, merely rolled over and
took Moony's punishment, paws in the air and throat bared.
Lunging forward, Moony seized the loose skin of
Padfoot's throat between his teeth. Padfoot closed his eyes and Sirius
suppressed Padfoot’s urge to struggle.
I deserve it,
Sirius thought dully.
Moony didn't bite down, however, just stood there
for a long moment, Padfoot's pulse pounding in his jaws, and Padfoot
could feel Moony's snarls vibrating through his entire limp body.
Finally Moony snorted a little and released Padfoot
with a final shake of his head, but Padfoot didn't move. He stayed on
his back, whining, while Moony padded towards the entrance to the
tunnel and took a few steps inside. After a moment, Moony's head popped
back out of the entrance and he barked grudgingly.
Padfoot rolled over quickly and shook the dust out
of his fur before trotting over to Moony, head and tail still drooping.
Moony leaned his nose down and snuffled Padfoot's neck ruff, but didn't
nip him again, and Padfoot's tail wagged slowly, grazing the ground.
With a final snort into Padfoot's fur, Moony turned
himself around smoothly and headed back down the tunnel, ordering
Padfoot to follow with an impatient whuff.
*
* *
*
* *
"I told you not to come here."
Sirius cracked open an eye and squinted in the
morning light filtering through the Shack's dirt-streaked windows.
Turning his head slightly and wincing as his neck popped and stretched,
Sirius found Remus, wrapped in a shabby blanket, hugging his knees
tightly and glaring down at him.
Sirius pulled himself to a sitting position and
flexed various muscles, gauging how much he was going to hurt when he
tried to stand up. When he put his hands over his head to stretch,
Sirius gasped as his side lit on fire.
"What are you doing here?"
Sirius lowered his arms and unbuttoned his shirt,
vaguely amused as always by the way that his clothes reappeared intact
after a transformation, no matter how shredded the skin underneath was.
"Don’t ignore me, Sirius." Remus' voice was getting
softer and more dangerous with each question.
Sirius said nothing, just pulled aside the cotton to
reveal winter-pale skin scored by angry red scratches, running from his
abdomen around his left side. Sirius touched fingertips to the
scratches and they came away dotted with blood.
Remus' hand shot out of the blanket and seized
Sirius' wrist.
"You're hurting me," Sirius said, not trying to pull
away. He glanced from the scratches on his chest to Remus' arm and
noticed something strange.
"What are you doing here, Sirius?" Remus repeated.
Half a dozen or more thin cuts, mostly healed but
still obvious against Remus' pale forearm. The cuts were identical in
length and depth, and were exactly parallel.
"What's that on your arm, Remus?" Sirius asked.
Remus tried to jerk his arm back under the blanket, but Sirius twisted
his hand in Remus' grip and caught his wrist. The two boys glared at
each other for a long moment.
"Answer my question," Remus said.
"Answer mine," Sirius replied, "and I'll answer
yours."
Remus tried to pull his hand back again, but Sirius
held on and jerked back. They tugged back and forth, the scuffle
causing the blanket to slip off Remus and reveal a very similar series
of cuts on Remus' thighs and upper arms.
Sirius froze, staring, and Remus took advantage of
the lull by wrenching his wrist from Sirius' grip and snatching the
blanket back up around his shoulders.
"What are those cuts?" Sirius asked as calmly as he
could.
"I just spent a night clawing and biting myself,"
Remus snapped. "What do you think they are?"
"Those aren't from last night." Sirius shook his
head. "They're almost healed. Let me see them."
"No." Remus tugged the blanket closed tighter and
glared at Sirius. "I told you not to come, what're you doing here?"
"I spent last night with you so that you'd claw me
instead of yourself, which you did and which I deserve," Sirius
answered. "Let me see the cuts."
"No." Remus dropped his gaze to the floor.
"Let me see," Sirius repeated.
"No."
"Let me see."
"No."
"Let me see."
Remus' voice grew a little less firm with every
'no', until by the fourteenth 'let me see' Remus let the blanket slide
off his shoulders again and held out his arm for Sirius to see, his
gaze not leaving the floor. Sirius reached out to run fingers over the
raised skin and Remus shivered.
"You've been healing them," Sirius said. "Why not
just make them fade entirely?"
"Sometimes just seeing them makes me feel better,"
Remus answered, twisting the blanket between the fingers of his free
hand. "Other times…" he trailed off, pressing his lips tightly together.
"Other times you have to start all over," Sirius
finished.
Remus finally raised his eyes to look at Sirius, who
was still staring down at the marred skin of Remus' arm and rubbing
gently at the cuts.
"If it's bad enough," Sirius continued, "you'll
start on someplace new entirely. Like here." Sirius' hand moved from
Remus' forearm up to the identical pattern across the top of his left
shoulder. "Or here." The other hand dropped to press against Remus'
thigh. "Just so long as they're someplace you can see."
"How do you know that?" Remus asked. The hand that
he'd stretched out to Sirius was resting on the back of Sirius' arm,
and Sirius could feel Remus' fingers shaking.
"Bella used to cut herself to get her mother's
attention," Sirius shrugged, still brushing his fingers over Remus'
skin. "She'd cut the whole way up her arm to her shoulder and then wear
sleeveless robes so everybody could see. Whose attention were you
trying to get?"
"No, it wasn’t…everything was out of control," Remus
said softly, finally lifting his gaze from the floor and his pleading
stare making something in Sirius’ chest twist tight. "Especially me.
Even after, it didn’t fade this time and I remembered wanting to hurt
Severus, wanting to make him bleed, how close I was to it, every time I
saw him and I couldn't stop it, I couldn’t get control back…all I
wanted was to be in control of something."
Sirius was suddenly aware of his hands on Remus, of
the warm skin trembling underneath his palms and the pulse he could
feel through his fingertips, of how intently Remus was staring at him.
Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat as he realized that Remus
was leaning forward into his touch, his whole body moving slowly across
the space that separated them.
I'd only do this
for Remus, Sirius caught himself thinking, and tried to squash
the thought quickly, but it was much harder when the nearness of Remus
was making Sirius' arm hair stand on end.
"I just need to be in control," Remus whispered, his
face close enough that Sirius could see the amber rings in Remus'
irises that hadn't faded this soon after his change-back.
"Remus," Sirius said, a note of warning in his
voice.
"Sirius," Remus answered, giving a breathless
inflection to the name that no one had ever given it before, and
suddenly Sirius realized that Remus' fingertips were tracing tiny
circles on the back of his arm.
"Remus?" he asked quietly, hoping the single word
could manage to communicate the combination of 'you too?' and 'right
now?' and 'are you sure?' that Sirius really meant. The murmured
'Sirius' he got in reply sent chills down his spine as he realized that
the answer to all those questions was 'yes'.
Sirius ached to lean across the last inches and kiss Remus, wanted it
so much that he could practically taste the other boy on his tongue,
but even Sirius wasn't thick enough to have missed the lesson about
Remus' need for control. He forced himself to wait for Remus to make
the decision, struggling so hard to remain still that he was positive
that Remus could feel his hands shaking.
Please hurry
before I fuck this up, Sirius pled silently.
Sirius didn't know whether the message scrolled
across his eyes or what, although Remus was certainly staring at him
intently enough to read it if it had, but Remus tilted his head and
pressed his lips awkwardly to Sirius'.
It wasn't earth-shattering and it wasn't fireworks,
hell, with both boys leaning forward on their knees and fighting stiff
muscles, it wasn't even comfortable, but when Sirius opened his mouth
to sigh in relief and accidentally brushed his tongue against Remus'
upper lip, they both froze.
Did I just fuck
this up? Sirius thought in the second before Remus pushed
forward suddenly, knocking Sirius onto his back underneath him. Sirius
stared up at Remus, realizing that the hand that had been on Remus'
thigh was now trapped between them and pressed very close to bits of
Remus that Sirius was trying hard not to think about. Remus made a soft
noise in his throat and Sirius swallowed, thinking about his own bits
which he was trying, hard, not to pay attention to. Remus’ face was so
close that when Sirius drew a breath, the tips of their noses touched.
Remus kissed Sirius with considerably more
confidence, or perhaps just more gravity since he was on top, but
either way it lasted quite a bit longer and when Remus lifted his head
to gasp for air, Sirius' lips felt pleasantly raw. He could feel Remus'
fingers clutching the collar of his shirt, warm against the back of his
neck.
He ran the tip of his tongue over his lower lip and watched in
fascination as Remus' eyes tracked his tongue's path closely, the
unblinking stare of a predator. Sirius repeated the slide of his
tongue, more slowly, and could actually see Remus' pupils dilate.
"Oh god, Remus," Sirius whispered, his trapped hand
flexing, and Remus rubbed against his palm. Sirius saw Remus' eyes
flicker down to where his shirt was caught in Remus' fists.
"Skin," Remus ordered, voice raw like Sirius' lips.
"I want yours. All of it. Right now."
Sirius pushed himself up despite protesting muscles,
pressing his chest against Remus' as he sat up enough for Remus to tug
his shirt off his shoulders. Sirius arched a little as Remus' fingers
brushed down his back, baring his throat. Remus bent his head, and
Sirius felt the roughness of his tongue smooth over the bruises Moony's
teeth had left the night before.
Sirius tilted his head back further, the invitation
clear, and Remus gave a possessive growl in answer before biting down
over the marks that were already there, the same way Moony had claimed
Padfoot. A low, soft moan slid out of Sirius' throat, a noise he barely
recognized as his own.
Remus froze suddenly, then scrambled back off Sirius
and crouched at his feet, eyes wild.
"Get away," he gasped, "I could've…I nearly…oh fuck, Sirius, get away, I'm going
to hurt you…"
Sirius pushed himself the rest of the way to a
sitting position, gritting his teeth as he bent elbows that had been
hyper-extended to support his weight for too long.
Sirius was a smart boy, and he had noticed an
interesting pattern in the way his life worked. Every time he opened
his mouth, he dug himself a little deeper into trouble. In most cases,
he plowed on regardless, figuring he could talk his way out of whatever
trouble he caused, but this time it wasn't house points or a row with
Evans that was at stake. This time it was Remus, and Sirius had finally
worked out that he wanted Remus, wanted him more than he wanted a
motorbike or a decent family or to be James' brother for real or to do
something so brilliant that wizards would talk about him forever, more
than all of those things put together and then some, and he'd do anything that would mean Remus
kissing him like that again, and some more biting would be all to the
good as well.
Which is why he decided that the last thing he was
going to do was to let a bunch of stupid words bugger it all up.
Sirius shook his shirt the rest of the way down to
his wrists, then tugged the cuffs over his hands without bothering to
unbutton them and dropped the shirt on the floor beside him. Remus
opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out as he watched
Sirius drop hands to the button of his trousers. When Sirius sat up on
his knees and pushed everything out of the way in one go, Remus' crouch
wobbled so badly that he tipped backwards and sat down hard.
Sirius' seduction ground to a halt when he realized
that he'd forgotten to take off his shoes. With a frustrated grunt, he
twisted around and tugged his trainers off without fooling with the
laces. Hindrances removed, trousers and underwear were out of the way
and tossed in a heap on top of the shirt before you could say
'gnuhuuuuh'.
But Remus said it anyway.
Sirius crossed the short distance separating him
from Remus in a lithe crawl. Remus tried to shrink backwards, but
Sirius pressed forward too quickly, bending his head to rub his cheek
against Remus'.
After a moment's hesitation, Remus rubbed back, and
Sirius turned his head to kiss him, watching with satisfaction how
Remus' eyes fluttered closed. Sirius pressed into Remus, forcing him
further and further back, until Remus couldn't hold himself up anymore
and his shoulders hit the floor with a thump, Sirius’ weight pressing
him into the blanket underneath. Sirius shivered when he realized it
was Remus' erection digging into his leg, furthermore realizing that if
he shifted just that little bit more to the left…
Remus arched and his eyes flew open when Sirius'
cock met his, and he made a noise that made the hair on Sirius’ neck
stand on end. Wanting to make Remus make that noise again, Sirius
dropped a hand lower, snaking it between them and, after a breathless
moment of hesitation, awkwardly stroked Remus. Sirius saw a flash of
teeth and thought he might finally have gone too far…
…but it was Remus urging him on with a grin, and Sirius was grinning
back with relief even as Remus reached up and pulled him down by the
hair to kiss him again, straining for control even when he was on the
bottom and Sirius would have laughed at that thought if Remus hadn't
been sucking the air out of his lungs.
And then Sirius couldn't think at all because Remus'
other hand was clutching his arm and pulling him closer and he was
thrusting into Sirius' hand, hard and slick with sweat, and every time
either one of them thrust Sirius' cock pressed into Remus' until Sirius
couldn't tell which one of them he was stroking.
And then Remus' hands clenched against Sirius and he
arched up hard enough that his shoulders left the floor for a few
trembling moments and Sirius gave a few more strokes, his hand covered
in Remus, making everything hot
and sogood and ohgod…
Remus' shoulders hit the ground again, and Sirius
flopped bonelessly on top of him, cheek tucked into the space
underneath Remus' chin and ear pressed to Remus' chest, the comfortable
pounding of Remus' heart driving all the concerns and doubts out of
Sirius’ head. Sirius felt peaceful for the first time in weeks, and too
heavy to ever move again. Remus' hands were ghosting soothingly down
his back and arms.
"Oh," Remus said suddenly, and it wasn't a good kind
of 'oh.'
Sirius heaved his head up to see where Remus'
fingers had stopped on his arm, and he caught sight of the parallel
cuts on the underside of Remus' forearm.
Right next to a matching set dug into his own upper
arm.
"Oh," Remus said again. Sirius' gaze drifted down to
Remus' hand, where dark half-moons of blood and skin were darkening the
underneaths of his nails. "Oh god, Padfoot…"
Sirius could feel Remus tensing to move and that was
just not on. He reached up and took Remus' hand, then pulled it to his
lips and looked Remus right in the eye while he sucked his blood off
Remus' fingers. Remus watched with a closed expression, but Sirius very
pointedly wrapped his fingers around Remus' before laying his head back
down, nestling against Remus as close as possible so as to discourage
moving. After a moment, Remus relaxed underneath him and Sirius let out
the breath he'd been holding and let his eyes slip closed.
"I'll heal that for you then," Remus said. “I’ve
gotten quite good with all the practice.”
"Don't, leave it," Sirius shrugged. "You said it
makes you feel better to see them."
"I didn't mean…" Remus trailed off. "It's just that
sometimes lately, I can't stand being in my own skin."
"You can have mine," Sirius said.
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